John Bennett: Chop salad. Ted: Half price! What do you mean? Ted: Anybody can come. John Bennett: Of course! Ted: Jews are welcome. John Bennett: Well, yeah! Ted: Exactly! John Bennett: Yeah, but why are you even bringing it up? John Bennett: So why mention it? Ted: No one will. John Bennett: But why are we talking about it?
John Bennett: Yeah, let them in. John Bennett: Right! Ted: Do it! John Bennett: Okay! Ted: No Mexicans though. Ted: Trust me, I can do this. Guy 1: Shut up! Guy 2: Try it, man. Guy 1: Alright, okay. Guy 1: You son of a bitch! Ted: Well, you never should have trusted me.
I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin! Tami-Lynn: You were right! John Bennett: Are you going to do it? Ted: Go on, Sam! Do it! John Bennett: Do it! He did it! This my home long time! You break my wall, you bastard men! It was an accident, okay? John Bennett: Okay, look. Can we just talk about this? Sam Jones: Ming?
This bullshit! This all bullshit! Sam Jones: Death to Ming! This is, uh, Jared. I had no idea. Coming down? Sam Jones: Oh, give it a couple of hours. You want a Zanex? Sam Jones: What? John Bennett: I got to, I got to go. John Bennett: Lori! Lori, wait! I messed up! Lori Collins: John, I need you out of the apartment tonight. John Bennett: Can I please just explain? Lori Collins: No!
Lori, please! I love you! I got to get some air, that guy from your office is in there on the couch making out with that Van Wilder looking guy. Ted: What? John Bennett: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended! Ted: Oh, come on.
Come on upstairs. John Bennett: Are you even listening to me? Do you give any shred of a shit? Ted: Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life, remember? John Bennett: Jesus! You know, Lori was right! All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy fucking bear! Because of that I just lost the love of my life! I… John Bennett: I got to be on my own, Ted. Lori Collins: Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
Lori Collins: Please. Lori, the worst that can happen is that you could go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Lori Collins: Fuck it. But just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex. I went over to talk to her, and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up!
They were going to the Hatch Shell. I mean, how stupid do you think I am? John Bennett: You know what? Get out of here. Ted: You know what? Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meathole for a second and listen to me! Pudding hole? Is that what they say? Lori was right about you, you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life. John Bennett: Oh, and you can? I mean, it works out so much better for you, when you and I get fucked up on the couch at 9 a.
Ted: Listen to yourself? What am I? Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? Ted: Say that one more time. John Bennett: My dick is squished! John Bennett: So am I, man. Ted: I love you!
John Bennett: I love you too! Ted: Listen, you got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori. Ted: No, John, we can, we can get her back. Look, I, you remember when you were ten and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun, and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started crying?
You remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life? John, we could do that again. Ted: Come on! Norah Jones: Teddy! Ted: Ha-ha-ha! Norah Jones: Well, half Indian, but thanks. Ted: Yeah, whatever. Hey, listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine. Alright, John Bennett. Norah Jones. John Bennett: Hi! How are you doing?
Hey there, sweaty! I, thank you. Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic! Ted: No, right? Please, give a big hand to John Bennett! Rex: Holy shit! This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life, the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy. Doing so much more than falling in love. It was like a rag doll! Rex: You want to get a drink after this?
I feel like I could use one just seeing a guy almost die. Lori Collins: Nope. Rex: One drink? Not really feeling up to it. Rex: Alright. I get it. I mean, when you think about it, it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.
John and I may have a problems, but at least he tried. You know what? Lori Collins: Taking a cab! Not looking up your towel, swear to God. Not looking up you towel, not looking at your funny business.
Lori Collins: Ted, what are you doing here? Ted: I need to talk to you. And then you can say whatever you want. Ted: Look, John loves you very much. More than anything in the world. He said no! He was going to stay there with you and I twisted his arm, Lori. So, if you just give him one more chance, I promise, I will leave and I will never come back.
Ted: Yeah, because of me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man, alright? My God! America is imploding. Ted: Fuck! Lori Collins: You can thank Ted. Should, uh, should I sit? I mean, if you want. Lori Collins: Okay. Everything good there? Yeah, yeah. I mean, why would you? But Lori, I do love you more than life itself. All I want is, I just want to end on good terms, and I owe that to you.
And I want you to be happy, you deserve that. And I just hope, you know, that maybe we can still be friends. Lori Collins: Thank you for being so honest. Welcome home. I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
Robert: Is he all mine, daddy? Donny: Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is. Well, yeah. Donny: Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now. You do as he says. And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too, and he said no. Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story. Donny: And I was so heart broken, and I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever, say no to him.
Robert: Me and Ted are best friends, daddy. Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it. Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch!
Ted: Alright! Alright, kid! You win! What do you want to do? You want to play a game? Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game. Ted: Good! How about we, how about we play a little game of hide and seek? Robert: I love hide and seek. Ted: Well, now, hang on a sec there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat Fuck? Donny : I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and Ted : Oh, yeah that was uh Donny : Hey-hey um Have you ever considered selling the bear?
Ted : Excuse me? Robert : I want it. Ted : [defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright? John : [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale.
See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me. Robert : Stand up straight when you're talking to me! John : [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?
John : Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment! John : WHAT? Lori : This is so gross! John : Did you get it yet? Lori : NO! I didn't get it yet! John : Tell me when you get it!
I got some of it on my thumb! John : NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again! This is the most disgusting thing ever! Get it away from me! Robert : Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
John : Why the fuck would he say that? Donny : Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children. Y'know somethin'? John : You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! Ted : [Scoffs] Listen to yourself.
What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy. Ted : Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life. John : That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot. Ted : No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl. John : They're not that bad. Ted : See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad.
Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Ted : "Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm. Ted : Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori. John : There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me. Ted : No, John. We can We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember?
And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again. John : Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died. Ted : Johnny, thank Christ you made it. John : Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon? Ted : Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]. Jones : How you doing? Jones : Good to meet you. John : [Does bro fist with Sam] I thank you for saving every one of us.
Jones : You're welcome. Ted : He acknowledged it! Jones : Let's do some shots. John : With you? Ted : Oh my God. John : Yes! Oh my God, yes! Ted : Totally, yes! Jones : Let's go! Lori : Welcome back Ted! John : It was you! You wished for my life back! Lori : No! So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out. Lori : It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
Ted : You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that? John : What, I'm acting like a cock? Ted : Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me. John : Huh? Ted : Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because. Ted : you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat!
Ted : Pink Floyd. Lori : Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates. Lori : [after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori] What a cunt. John : [covers his ears] No, I hate that word!
Thomas : John, it's almost John : I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault. Thomas : What do you mean? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question. Thomas : John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.
John : I realize that. Thomas : Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. Not a bad life, is it? Thomas : [Taps desk] Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently.
Thomas : Lo, that's me and Skeritt. John : Wow. Thomas : Goddamn right, wow. Thomas : I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow. John : I will, sir. Is it time for John to part ways with his oldest friend? Ted: Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny? Ted: All right, come on, let's sing "The Thunder Song. You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts.
Ah, the Thunder Song: This is definitely one of the best quotes in the 'Ted' movie. Remember it the next time a storm comes along, and be sure to sing it loudly. Insult the boss's wife, get a job. If life were only this easy.
Frank has no idea what he's just gotten himself into. Ted: I met a girl, she's a cashier. John: No way, that's awesome! Well, what's her name? Ted: White trash name, guess. John: Mandi? Ted: No. John: Marilyn? John: Brittany? John: Tiffany? John: Candice? I'm completely serious. Ted: You do it, I will tell you. John: You got me? Ted: Yeah. John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lyn after it?
Ted: Yes! Ted: Tammy Lyn. Ted has a new girlfriend? Possibly so. At least he met her at work and not in some seedy bar or worse Ted: All I'm saying, is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life. She's hot. Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania, that's not a Boston girl. John: They're not that bad. Ted: See, the fact that you have to say 'They're not that bad' means that they are that bad. You ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
Ted's rather colorful description of Boston women in the throes of ecstasy probably cracked Mark Wahlberg up. After all, Wahlberg is a Boston guy all the way though his wife, model Rhea Durham, is a Florida native. John: I'm taking Lori to dinner Ted: What, like anal? Select another language:. Please enter your email address: Submit. Powered by CITE. Know another quote from Ted?
Don't let people miss on a great quote from the "Ted" movie - add it here! Add a Quote. Our favorite collection of Famous Movies ». Die Hard. John McTiernan - Taxi Driver. Martin Scorsese - Back to the Future.
Robert Zemeckis -
0コメント